Hey you ugly people. First I have to say: My life sucks! In many ways.
My name is Funghus and I am a vampire, I think…
First of all, let´s get something clear here cliché-wise:
- Vampires don’t sparkle like Glitter-Barbies in the sun.
- Vampires need human blood to survive.
- Vampires fry in sunlight, so no sunbeds or pool parties in L.A.
- Vampires cannot procreate by sexual intercourse.
- Vampires don’t get sick, at least not the average stomach flu, where you (bat-)shit yourself crazy.
- There are exceptions to every rule in the word…
Once upon a time I was a normal man in the west of Germany, when I couldn’t hold on to my addiction to sex any longer. So I went to a prostitute. I shouldn’t have done that. She had a thing for pink. I hate pink! Why does a colour have to be so bright? At least I had the best sex in my life, despite the colour.
The next morning I woke up with an abnormal hangover and an indescribable itch between my legs. So I scratched myself until raw flesh showed on my balls. When I came to, I realized I must have fainted. But why? Thinking it through, I remembered the itching sensation. One look at my balls and it went dark again. Blood was never an issue before, but one drop was too much to bear, and still is today.
The day went on, shadowed by a mycosis of my privates and occasional faintings. At dusk my stomach growled like a monster from hell. Boy, I was hungry and then some. But nothing seemed to satisfy the monster but one thing: blood. But how to feed? Well, what you can’t see, can’t make you faint. It has to be dark, very dark…